Mommy didn't know...

Tonight I put Cale down to bed for the last time as my little baby. Tomorrow he awakes as a toddler and I'm definitely emotional about it. I cannot believe that it's already been a year, and this week my memories of those first days with him have been flooding back into my mind.


It has been the hardest year of my life, and yet exponentially the most rewarding. I couldn't have imagined how little sleep I would still be getting a year later, or how tough of a newborn Cale would be with reflux, colic, and ear infections. I didn't realize how much money it would take to raise him and how difficult it would be to be a working mother. I didn't realize how my priorities would instantly change from wanting to be a professional to having an intense desire to stay home and raise him as a stay-at-home mother. I didn't realize the guilt I would feel for not being there for him every minute of the day. I didn't realize the difficulties that Nate and I would have in our relationship during this first year due to the stresses of parenthood.

I also didn't realize how intense I could love someone. I never knew that a giggle or a smile from someone so tiny could melt my heart. I didn't know that every little milestone he reached would make me so proud. I didn't realize that being called 'mama' could bring tears to my eyes so quickly. I didn't know that a hug could feel so good. I didn't know that things like poop could ever be funny. I didn't realize that I could feel complete if I only had one child. I didn't realize that my love for Nate could ever be stronger than it was....but it's all true -- I now know all of these things. My life is so rich. I really am the luckiest person on Earth.
♥ Happy 1st Birthday tomorrow, Cale.
Mommy and Daddy love you to pieces. ♥

Tubes.

Starting in December 2010 when Cale was around 8 months old he started getting recurring ear infections. He was so miserable and would just scream and scream. We would get him on antibiotics and they would quickly disappear, only to return every 2-3 weeks after that. Finally after ear infection number 4 we decided that enough was enough and we asked our doctor for a referral to an Ear, Nose, & Throat specialist to discuss getting tubes in his ears. The specialist agreed that it was probably time to move forward and have the surgery.


I was a nervous wreck thinking about putting my 11 month old under general anesthesia. What mother wouldn't? I think I finally understand how my own mother felt when my sister and I had surgeries when we were young. (Kristina had one when she was 5, and I had one at age 7, one at age 8, and another at 17.) I was so glad my mom could calm my nerves.


March 9th was surgery day. I was worried that he would be miserable since he wasn't able to have any food or milk for around 8 hours prior to the surgery, but he wasn't too upset. (He did pull my shirt down and ask for milk while we were in the waiting room though. Poor kid.) The surgery was very quick. 10 minutes tops and the doctor was already telling us how well he did. He walked us back to the recovery room and I could hear Cale screaming before we even opened the door. He wasn't in pain, but he was very disoriented from the anesthesia. They had me hold him in a rocking chair and I nursed him. It was seriously the saddest thing ever. He would try to eat but would just scream uncontrollably. He finally stopped crying when the nurse brought him some chocolate pudding! :) We were able to take him home about an hour later.


It has been almost 3 weeks since his surgery and things are going great. He hasn't had any infections and I haven't noticed him tugging at his ears at all. We went for his follow up appointment yesterday where they tested his hearing. The doctor said he wasn't concerned, although the hearing test wasn't quite as good as it was before the surgery. The doctor said he is still within the normal range and we will follow up on it every 6 months until the tubes fall out sometime in the next 6-18 months. Here are some pictures of Cale in his hospital gown before surgery. He was such a champ.

8,736 hours

It was 8,736 hours ago (that's 364 days) that I was sitting in my Labor and Delivery Room at the hospital, so discouraged that my son would never come. I had been in labor for 16 hours and still wasn't dilated more than a fingertip. So many emotions were going through my head: could he stand the contractions for another 12 hours? Could I stand them for another 12 hours? I was sure the answer to both questions was no.

My doctor wasn't able to break my water until 5pm that night because I wasn't even dilated enough for the hook to fit! I was so relieved when she finally broke my water that I cried and told her "thank you!" about 1,000,000 times. The contractions picked up almost immediately and they also started me on Pitocin which made them even worse. It wasn't more than a couple hours before I asked for the epidural. After that things were marvelous... Until the middle of the night when the epidural wore off in one spot and I was in terrible pain. They call it a "window" I guess...where you lose the numbness in one area. It was as if I never got an epidural at all. The entire night I was crying in pain with every contraction, and it was even worse because I couldn't stand up to try and walk it off.

That night I prayed quite a bit! I prayed that I could endure labor without complications, and that my little boy would be healthy. I prayed that if I ended up with a C-Section that he wouldn't end up in the NICU from having fluid in his lungs. I prayed that he wouldn't be too big...or too little. But mostly I prayed that all of this would just end soon so I could hold my son in my arms after 9 long months of carrying him, singing to him, and telling him stories about his family while he was inside me. I just wanted to meet my little Cale.

Tomorrow Cale Alex turns one. It will be such an emotional day for Nate and I. We are sad about it, but also absolutely excited as well. He is turning into such a handsome, smart young man. We couldn't be more lucky.